Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Read online

  I can barely remember a time that I didn’t know that touching my small girl parts felt good. As I got older, I realized that hurting myself often felt good too, though in a different way. I had a fascination with my vagina as a child, and would experiment for years with different objects, inserting them into myself to see if they would fit, if they would hurt or feel good or both. I would hurt myself sexually, mostly for the feeling of it, but also out of a sense of academic curiosity… how much pain could I take? I would often “talk” to myself in my head, silently, telling myself that I was bad, that I deserved the pain, though I have no memory of experiencing anything like that in my life. It would be ten years before I would come to understand it more fully.

  It bears mentioning that I have no memories of any sexual abuse before the age of ten - because it has often been asked of me whether I was sexually abused as a small child, and whether such abuse could possibly be the basis for my submission and masochism. So it would seem that my masochistic leanings, at least, predate any sexual abuse.

  By the time I was older, and sexually active by choice, I had interests in what is commonly referred to as “kinky” sex, though I never actually had the chance to have any. About the kinkiest things I’d done by the time I was eighteen was that I’d had two threesomes, one lesbian encounter, and anal sex. But the desire was there, just waiting to have someone shine a light on it. To complicate matters, I hadn’t been exposed to any “kink” in any type of media - so I had no vocabulary for it, nor any way to know that I wasn’t alone in my desires. So, naturally, I kept those desires hidden.

  My education about BDSM would come later, opening me up to a whole new world where I would finally find my place. Long before I knew that there were names for the things I wanted, that there was an entire culture of people like me, I knew that I was different. I know that in my case my submission and masochism are based in nature; ultimately, though, I had to embrace those parts of myself, accept them, and express them in order to nurture them and improve upon them.

  So, are submissives born or made? The answer, as near as I can tell, is that submissives are, like all other people, created by the environment out of the raw material which is provided by nature. Some people would certainly like to claim that we are deviants, warped by childhood trauma, but I reject that. I say that we are what we are, regardless of how we got to be this way, and all that really matters is that we accept - and celebrate - ourselves.

  FOUR

  Power To Choose

  Liberty is the right to choose. Freedom is the result of the right choice. - Anonymous

  THE MASTER TELLS HIS GIRL TO DO SOMETHING THAT SHE finds onerous. She looks at him and whines, “Do I have to?”

  “No,” he replies. “You choose to.”

  It’s not strictly non-fiction… I took some artistic liberty. The exchange took place in my head, not before my eyes, but I was thinking about choice, and how I try to remember it.

  When there is something that I don’t want to do that I know is well within the given terms of my relationship, rather than whining about it, I remind myself that it was my choice, and that this is exactly the relationship I want to be in. It is, in fact, the relationship I had wanted for years before I even know Master existed, as I’m sure many will understand. Reminding myself of that makes just about everything a little easier.

  When there is something that I don’t really want to do which isn’t obviously within the terms of my relationship, I play with it in my brain until I figure out where it fits in. Is it an exercise of trust? Of exploring new things? Of expanding my horizons? Of pushing the boundaries of “acceptable”? All of these things are part of our relationship, and if something new falls into one of those categories, then I know that I chose it when I accepted the collar I wear. If I can’t reconcile it like this, I talk to Master about it.

  As a result of this mental exercise, I’ve discovered that I have no idea what my limits are anymore within this relationship, with a couple of obvious exceptions. Now, with anyone besides Master, I could rattle off a list of limits with very little thought… but when it comes to him, it’s not so easy as all that. The basics are still limits for me and always will be, but the rest? It gets hazy for me with Master. I am sometimes frightened by the fact that I have no desire to refuse him anything he asks for, though I confess that there is some certainty granted by the fact that I know that he would never ask something of me if it is a hard limit. Nothing else is certain… I could be asked at any time to push myself to the very edges of what is tolerable, knowing all along that I have made the choice which brought me to that moment. It is a heady feeling.

  This power to choose is what led me here. I had the power to choose to give myself to Master, and that choice means that I have relinquished that power to choose to him. The moments when he asks for those things which push me to my limits are the moments when I feel closest to my submission, because I can remind myself that I chose this. Also, the fact that he is willing, even eager, to ask those things of me, to demand those things of me, reinforces my feelings of being dominated. It’s a visceral reminder to me that I have given up that power, and it’s incredibly thrilling.

  Likewise, you have the power to choose. This power is sacred, in the sense that no one can take it away from you without your permission. The ability to give that permission is so important. You, and your submission, are too precious to give to just anyone. Most of us have seen those girls who are just so eager to experience what they feel they need that they end up with the first dominant to pay any attention to them. We all know how badly that can turn out. It cannot be said too often that choosing the right dominant in a

  D/S dynamic is, hands down, the most important decision you will make in regards to that relationship. Really, this should be obvious, but for some reason, many people view D/S as different from other types of relationships. Sure, you can have D/S without a love relationship, if you want, but it’s still a relationship. Besides, in the land of kink, there are times that we literally entrust our dominant partners with our very lives… never something to be cavalier about. Making the choice to give up the power to choose is proving to be a much larger process than I could ever have realized prior to actually doing it. It’s so huge to me, so altering to the way I see things, including myself, that I expect it to show. I expect perfect strangers to stop me on the street and tell me that it’s showing, but it doesn’t. How can something that stops the very rotation of the planet go so unnoticed by others? Of course, there are times when it does show. At a recent play party, when I lay on the floor and laid my head on Master’s boot, I forgot anyone else existed until he made me move and I remembered. And then I wondered who could see inside of me, who realized where I’d been? I saw a few soft smiles, and a couple of knowing looks, and even one very envious glance at Master, and I realized that while it doesn’t show to someone who doesn’t know, those who have been there recognize the signs.

  FIVE

  Opposite but Equal - The Paradox of D/S

  There is another interesting paradox here: by immersing ourselves in what we love, we find ourselves. We do not lose ourselves. - Lukas Foss

  MASTER WOLF IS A RESPECTED MEMBER OF THE LOCAL KINK community where I live, and a dear friend. In a discussion he and I were once having, Master Wolf said:

  “A master/dominant is a leader. […] In a D/S relationship where the master and slave are ‘well suited’ and ‘well aligned,’ even though it may appear that it’s ‘all about the Master’ and the Master’s will, it is really all about the journey together, with the Master at the helm guiding and leading. When a dominant and submissive are well aligned, and when the dominant understands the paradox of the relationship and embraces his divine purpose, the journey will contain bumps and changes and twists and turns, but it will never be about the needs of one being met at the expense of the needs of another.”

  These insightful words were thought-provoking. I know that in my case with Master, the paradox of
our D/S relationship underlies every conversation that we have, even though we rarely speak of it. The simplest way I can say it is that while I am his girl, and not equal to him in terms of authority, I am just as much his partner in our relationship, with equal responsibility to it.

  Master Wolf argues that many D/S dynamics are “adversarial.” I agree with him, and would go so far as to say that I think it is due to a common misconception that this is the way things are supposed to be. I have had conversations with more than one submissive which consisted of her telling me how wonderful the relationship is, how harsh the Master can be, how much she’s sacrificed to ensure the Master’s happiness and pleasure… “So why am I not happy? Why do I feel like something is missing, or just off?” they ask, perplexed. They often get discouraged and feel as if they are somehow failing in their submission because they don’t feel… exalted in it.

  When I hear things like this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with Master once, a long time ago. We had been friends for quite a while, but not romantically involved for very long, and the D/S aspect to our connection was still just the simple expression of our individual natures; we hadn’t negotiated it yet at that point, nor come to any agreements. But this particular conversation was a sort of verbal exchange of philosophies, and I remember him saying that his highest goal in having a submissive was to “exalt her in her submission, and use it to help raise her up.” I have to say that I think it was one of the most beautiful things to ever leave his lips.

  I perceive in the communication and actions of some submissives that there is a distinct lack of self-worth among them, which works against them feeling like partners in their relationships, works against their growth as people, and works against their abilities to genuinely surrender. People (particularly submissives), who suffer from an extreme lack of self-worth seem to have no motivation to improve themselves - although sometimes an interesting side effect of competition can arise, in which a person seeks to improve her sense of self through being “better” than her peers at something. In any case, submissives who suffer this lack of self-worth often, sadly, seem to find themselves in relationships which reinforce that lack. If a submissive doesn’t feel worthy of exaltation, then the best master’s finest efforts to do so will be in vain.

  While I don’t suffer from an extreme lack of self-worth, I have my moments just like everyone does, and I have my vulnerable, squishy places too. Master used to ask me, if I had one of those not-good-enough moments, “Don’t I deserve the very best?” And I would reply, “Of course.” And he would say, “And do I keep you in my life?” And I would say, “Yes.” Then he would say, “Well, there ya go.” It sounds simplistic, but it isn’t… we submissives overcomplicate this because it is hard to believe that we are just as important as the dominant within the relationship. I strive to be better every day (well, most days… sometimes I get tired!), in part because I know that the better I am, the more I have to offer Master. The more I grow, the bigger I become intellectually, emotionally… and the more I have to offer him. I do what I do as much for myself, of course, but it has the benefit of appealing to my nature by pleasing Master also.

  I need an education… not only because I’d like the salary that it will one day bring me, but because I’m always curious, I love to learn and hate to stagnate intellectually. I need to express myself, primarily through words, and so I write in order to better understand myself, that I might grow. I need to work, at least for now, because it helps me to feel like a contributing member of my little family. I need to surround myself with people who challenge me to think higher and reach further. I need to talk about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking (even when it’s uncomfortable), and I need to be taken seriously when I do. Master encourages me in these things, sometimes downright dominating me into doing them when I’m feeling down or sulky or recalcitrant. He pushes me in the directions that I need to be moving, and he knows what I need because (cue the shock and awe)… I took the time to figure it out and then… horrors! I actually had the audacity to tell him!

  He once told me that there is no mastery to dominating a puppet… the challenge for him is a whole person, someone who is real in the core and isn’t afraid to show it. As much as I need challenges to grow, so does he. When he looks at me and says, “I don’t know how to do this,” I know that he’ll soon figure it out, whether by soul-searching, or by talking with others and seeking insight. I trust in that, because I know that he truly wants to know whatever it is, because every time he learns something, it’s as much a chance for him (and, by proxy, me) to grow as it is for me when I learn something new.

  The paradox is that the needs of the master are not, in fact, superior to the needs of the submissive. Rather, they share equal importance. In fact, sometimes, the need of the submissive to serve actually overrides the master’s need for independence. In my case, I know there are things that Master asks or allows me to do even though he might prefer to do it himself, simply because it affords me an opportunity to serve him, and I need that. To put it simply, we are well suited. Our needs so neatly complement one another that we meet one another’s needs simply by ensuring that our own are met. He needs to know what is happening inside of me so that he can most effectively dominate me… and I need to open myself up and be vulnerable to him so that I can experience the depths of my submission.

  However, it would be unrealistic to imagine that this is always the case! There are times when both parties in any relationship will subjugate their own needs in favor of their partner’s needs. The point is that both (or all, if you’re poly) members of the relationship are human, with feelings and needs, and that the onus for “giving in” should not be put upon the submissive only, if the relationship is going to be successful. I am fond of saying that in any relationship, if one person’s needs aren’t being met, that person is likely to leave in order to get those needs met elsewhere. And underneath, kink aside, we’re all just people.

  SIX

  Bare Necessities

  It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  A FRIEND ASKED ME ONCE WHAT, FORME, ARE THE ESSENTIAL elements of a total power exchange (TPE) relationship, the elements without which it doesn’t work.

  First, I must clarify something. TPE stands for “total power exchange” and implies a relationship in which the submissive has retained no power to choose (refer back to “Terms of Endearment” for the definition of slave). In the interest of full disclosure, I am not in a TPE, in the strictest sense of the word -though a great deal of that has to do with Master’s lack of desire to control certain things, not my unwillingness to offer them up. This is his preference, and may change as time passes. But when you think about it, I only have these freedoms because he chooses not to disallow them, and so we’re not as far from TPE as we might, at first glance, appear. Semantics, I know, but I prefer to be as up front as I can!

  However, with that disclaimer out of the way… what are the essential elements without which my power exchange relationship would not work?

  1) A bit of ritual. I greet him in a certain way when I get home, or when he does, depending on who is home first that day. I kneel and ask permission to come to bed at night. I refer to him by his title of Master, rather than using his name. These are things that I always do, unless I am unable to for some reason (illness, injury, or a vanilla situation), and the constancy of these things is soothing, calming, and centering to me. I am reminded of where I belong.

  2) Structure - rules and discipline. I need to know not only what is expected of me at all times, but also what is forbidden, and what will happen if rules are broken. So, Master makes sure that in addition to having rules and boundaries for acceptable behaviors, he also has the willingness to enforce them when necessary, whether with a gentle reminder or a harsh punishment. For me, if there is no structure, if nothing is disallowed, if there are no boundaries, I feel lost in a great big pla
ce all by myself, and it is frightening. In addition, it brings out negative aspects in my personality, such as being willful in an attempt to bring back some boundaries (but never defiance in order to be punished; I hope the difference is clear). The biggest aspect of structure is consistency - the rules remain the same from day to day, not changing unexpectedly, and I need to be able to count on Master to consistently enforce them as well. Without that consistency, structure can’t exist.

  3) Strength and humanity. In order for me to give my submission to another as I have to Master, I must know that he is strong enough to hold it. In addition, I have to know that he is human, and flawed, and strong enough to admit those flaws and work to improve them. No one is perfect, and I consider it a strength to be able to admit when one is wrong.

  4) Love, and all that goes with it. Compassion, gentleness, understanding, laughter, desire, and passion are all absolutely necessary for me to really give myself to another as I have to Master. I know that there are people who have successful D/S relationships without this romantic love present (and sometimes without love of any sort), and that’s great… for them. For me, I must love, and be loved in return, and have that love expressed every day between us.

  5) Roots and wings. I read somewhere once that the best things any parent can give to a child are roots and wings… roots to steadily ground you, and wings to let you fly. I think that this is true outside of parental relationships as well. So for me, it is vital that Master provide a solid foundation of roots for me to be steady and grounded, but wings and enough sky to let me fly. I guess he’s a bit like a falconer… I may not always rest on his arm, but I will always return to it for as long as I am his. I must have room to grow if I am to have any hope of continuing to give him all of me. After all, if I stop growing, I will lose myself, and if I lose myself, what have I left to give?